My bird keeps calling out my husband’s name, but he died a year ago

My husband died a day before our 5th anniversary. While at work, his chest started to hurt and before anyone could react, he had dropped dead. At just 32 years old and a week away from a cardiologist appointment he was dead. And I, at just 31, had become a widow.

All our dreams for the future vanished in the blink of an eye.

My best friend of 20 years was gone and I now had to figure what life would be without him. Sadly, life does go on after and bills don’t wait for you to mourn.

I gave some of his things back to his family but otherwise kept everything, including the gift I had bought for our anniversary. It was silly, but a part of me believed the more things I kept of him, the more likely it was he would stay by my side.

Life went on while I stayed stuck in time. Life was a routine of work, taking care of our pets, pretending to watch television, and sleeping. It was getting to the point that people no longer took pity on me, but found my sadness to be an annoyance.

“Fucking Devyn!” yelled my sun conure as I pretended to watch a movie.

“What did you just say Tuki Tuki?” I asked my bird, as if he would actually answer.

The thing is, he hadn’t said my husband’s name since his passing. Funny enough, my husband had been the one to teach Tuki to curse. We hadn’t thought he would be combining the words and using them to annoy the heck out of Devyn.

I begged Tuki to repeat what he had said, but had no luck. Tuki went about his day, continuing to be the annoyingly cute bird he is.

Not much happened the next few days. I hadn’t forgotten but it wasn’t at the top of my priority list either. More than anything, I was dreading the upcoming one year anniversary of Devyn’s death and what would have been our 6th anniversary. Several friends offered to take me out but I declined. My mother had asked to come over so I wouldn’t be alone, but I lied to her and said friends would stay over. I don’t think she believed me, but she didn’t push it either.

I took both days off, allowing myself to cry over his ashes. Hugging them to my chest, hoping to feel his warmth once more. I ordered his favorite hamburger, making sure it had no pickles, and put on an old Godzilla movie. At some point, the tears stopped, and my eyes grew heavy, and before I knew it, I had fallen asleep on the sofa.

I can’t say I remember what I was dreaming about, but I remember the feeling of emptiness that filled my body.

“Fucking Devyn!” Tuki yelled.

I woke up abruptly. Tuki’s cage wasn’t covered properly but he usually didn’t make noise at night either way. I looked at the kitchen clock and saw it was 12:01 am.

“Happy anniversary, Devyn,” I said sadly towards the urn still next to the spot I had been asleep.

“Goodnight Tuki,” I whispered as I covered his cage properly.

I went to turn off the television and put the urn back by the shelf under the lightsabers we had built on our 3rd anniversary. That’s when I saw it. A small gift had been set on the shelf alongside a note.

I stupidly picked up the note which read, “Happy Anniversary, Kiara!” with a small drawing of a bird on the side. This made no sense, and while I knew I should be scared or angry, I felt happy.

Still, I wasn’t a complete idiot, I think, and I went to check for recording on my outside cameras, seeing who would have attempted to play such a sick joke on me. But no one showed up on the cameras. And why would they? No one had come to the house in the past few months, and the only other person with keys was my mother.

I went back to the unopened box. Tuki kept making noise in his cage, so I let him out to rest on my shoulder and to witness what was inside the box.

I unwrapped the lime green wrapping paper, and inside was a painting brush. I wasn’t sure if to laugh or cry. I had seen this particular paintbrush at an art market but hadn’t bought it because I felt it was too expensive. I regretted it later on, but life went on. Besides Devyn, no one even knew what this gem encrusted brush looked like. I should have questioned what was going on, but I didn’t care, for the first time since before his death, I felt genuinely happy.

Wanting to respect the gift Devyn had given me, I got my art supplies out, and started to paint. My hands moved on their own, still remembering how to paint even after a year of not touching my art supplies. The brush was as terrible as I thought it would be, but I used it, ignoring the streaks it left on the canvas. Tuki slept on my shoulder for a while, but at some point went back to his cage to sleep. I stayed up all night, smiling as I created my masterpiece.

By the time the sun had come out, my hand was no longer cooperating, a heavy weight I hadn’t known I was carrying was now off my shoulders, and I managed to smile. I hung the canvas over our bed, where I had promised I would place a painting at some point but had never gotten to it.

I can’t say the sadness went away, but a small sparkle of hope now lightened my path. I started to talk with my friends, and went back to painting. The aching in my heart hadn’t eased, but at least life was no longer stagnant.

My family came on my birthday against my wishes. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy their company. By night they had left, and silence filled the house once more.

I went about cleaning when I heard Tuki panicking inside his cage.

”FUCKING DEVYN! FUCKING DEVYN! FUCKING DEVYN!” Tuki kept yelling frantically.

”What’s wrong Tuki Tuki?” I went to open his cage. He kept screaming but rushed to my hand and finally called down as he hid under my hair.

It had been a while since he had said Devyn’s name, but when I turned around, another gift had been placed by his urn. This time I was more cautious about it. I had just pretended the last gift had been some kind of miracle, but a second time? Maybe my parents had left another gift and I hadn’t noticed it before.

But when I saw the tag with my name, I knew that wasn’t the case. Devyn had to have written this note. The writing was too similar. It’s true that someone could have copied his writing, but who would take their time to learn his penmanship?

I tentatively reached for the gift, unsure if to open it this time or not. But my husband knew curiosity would always win, and this time was no exception.

I unwrapped the gift, which had been wrapped with the same lime green paper, and what was inside was a blanket. I had wanted a bright yellow blanket for the longest time, and now here it was. I opened it up and noticed a small hole almost at the end of it. I paid no attention to it, and took it to bed with me, having the best sleep in the longest time.

Things took a turn after that gift. Tuki would wake up at random hours of the night, screaming for or at Devyn. At first, I was excited about the gifts, even if some of them were a little off. I got a hair stick, with a slightly too sharp end. Then came a racoon plushie, with missing eyes. The gifts kept coming with more frequency. I tried to ignore how each gift had something off, but that night, I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

Once Tuki had calmed down from his screaming, I went to open the new gift. But even before I opened it, I already knew something was off. A putrid smell was coming from the box. I held my breath as I unwrapped the lime green paper that now made my heart jump out of fear, rather than excitement.

Inside the box, there was a sun conure. Its rotting body was what had emitted the putrid smell. My heart pounded on my chest, and tears filled my eyes. I had asked for a second bird so Tuki could have company, but this isn’t what I wanted. This was just cruel.

I grabbed the box and threw it out. That night I couldn’t sleep. Unsure of what to do with myself, I started to throw out all the gifts I had gotten in the last few months. My heart broke as I got rid of the gifts, some of my neighbors yelled for me to shut up, but I kept going.

I thought I had done the right thing as weeks went by without a new gift. I was adjusting to my new norm when Tuki screamed once more. This time I ignored his screams, feeling bad for ignoring him, but hoping that by doing so, no gift would be left behind.

Obviously, I was wrong. This time the box was larger than usual. My hands trembled as I reached for the note on top.

“Miss you!” read the note.

I ripped through the wrapping paper, getting several paper cuts in the process, and I screamed.

Inside the box was Devyn's severed head with an unnatural smile. His eyes looked directly at me. He blinked once, but continued to stare at me. His smile became unnaturally wider and when I couldn’t take it anymore, the head became ashes.

I don’t remember much of what I did after. But I know I finished getting rid of all the gifts I had received. I got to the point I also threw away many of the things Devyn had given me in life.

As I got to the closet, I found the gift I was supposed to give him on our 5th anniversary. I took a deep breath, unsure if the idea I had would work at all. All this time, I had been receiving gifts, but had not given one back. So I placed the wrapped gift next to his urn and wrote a small note that read, “It’s time to let go.”

I brought Tuki’s cage to my room that night. I wanted to leave the house, but wasn’t sure if that would help at all.

I didn’t sleep that night, but the gift was gone. After that day, Tuki never called for Devyn and the gifts stopped coming. I started to give away or throw all the things Devyn had given me in life. It hurt, but it has helped me move on. I still miss him and love him, but I won’t put my life on hold for him anymore.

The only gift of his that I kept is my Tuki Tuki. I couldn’t get rid of my boy. The day of what would have been our 7th anniversary is coming soon. I just hope this time Tuki doesn’t call out for Devyn.